Can't Find Who I Am

I'm 25 today. How the hell did that happen?

The Starving Musician guys love me. It's kind of awesome. I left them a review, finally, on Yelp and they actually replied me because they know my lame ass is in every thursday for my bass lesson with Bert.

Anyway. If you need band stuff on the cheap, this is the place to go. Not in california? No problem! They ship. :3

I hart my boys.

laundry
pete and vel art
more artsy zine stuff for issue one
color schemes for website
zombie makeup practice
make goodwill bags
send out birthday invites in email to Mina, Bryan, Lane, and Mark
call in sick for thursday


ffffffffffffffff I haven't been this busy in forever and my brain is determined to set me up to fail. Shut up, brain.

fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

[ fuck it is so much easier to just block people forever and ever ffffffffff ]

Got new music. Hal Sparks and Milla Jovovich.

Kind of irritated at things right now but that's okay. I can do what I want. I can make things better. It doesn't matter.

i will make myself better and will be okay with the fact I cannot control everything. It's okay. I just need to keep telling myself so.

Randomly, since my spine hurts like fuck and I feel sick with both a headache and in general and thus can't sleep, I think I always kind of expected my parents to flip out more when I admitted to being bisexual.

They weren't, you know, thrilled or anything, but they accepted it pretty easily without yelling and whatnot. They even accepted my brief girlfriend with little protest [though I'm not a douche and didn't make out with her in front of them as a common courtesy].

Idk. Just thought of that randomly and was like "huh." Sometimes my parents are pretty okay. [Most of the time, even. Other times I want to smother them in their sleep. :D ]

I need to sort out my life a little more, prioritize my tasks...and my friends.

I'm kind of tired of certain people only being happy when I'm miserable. Like they can have friends and do stuff with other people and I shouldn't get irrationally jealous but then they do the exact same.

Pfft. I already dropped one douchebag friend, it's not like it's hard. I'm stubborn and cutting people out is okay. I dunno.

I'm just pissed off. I know I need to sort out what I do week to week so I can fit it all in and this person is fitting in less and less. I would rather grab a coffee out with the locals and chat to them then sit on my fucking computer forever and ever.

On the bright side, I'm going to check out a house tomorrow. Yeah. For me. A house. So. Yay. We'll see how that goes. At the very least I can figure out what a downpayment will be and all the stuff that'd be required of me. So. There's that.

Good times are being had lately. I need to find a way to actually get up to SF and buy ganymi a coffee or something. Living in south bay makes life so hard. Tear. On the bright side though, maybe I can go harass some of the other locals. God knows I need to pester Mark about the Rex show.

It's...so weird, hanging out with people, being social and whatnot. It's so...unlike me, haha.

Here's hoping I don't fuck it up. Because I like hanging friends, even if having guy friends is kind of daunting. Because I would totally like to date some of these people and fffffffffff. I have way too low self esteem. On the bright side, i'm not going and eating like a heffer about it. Because that wouldn't help my case. Bawwww, I'm a fattass, bawwwww, etc.

Hah. Man, I gotta get back on track. Moar exercise and every other damn thing i need to do. i feel so busy, it's madness.

Ffffffff, my life.

In short order:
• Went to a marker dance party in oakland
• Had a BAAU BQ with some awesome folks
• One of said awesome folks [Tim] invited us to magic dinner theater and it was awesome
• Worked out Zine stuff with Mike, Mina, and Steve [the three members besides myself of a quartet of pure awesome ...minus the singing.]
• Went to Mina's and met her adorable friend who was awesome
• Got a tattoo on the whole of my right foot in color and it was red and swelling until wed
• Still hobbled around because ow tattoo
• Booked tickets to see Tim again on friday [tomorrow]
• Got offered a business trip to Hawaii
• Turned down said trip
• Got asked to work the friday of Zine Fest [22nd of august]

I just. What? Life. I am shaking my fist at you. :| [and yes, I realize this makes me sound like a greedy entitlement bitch. I don't care. I'm not. I just don't want to cripple myself on a whim offer of Hawaii where it's doubtful I'd be able to do much of anything I'd actually want to. So fuck off.]

I need to check out the crap for kinobicon or whatever since I'm not going to Hawaii. Which I am sure you, dear flist, will give me shit for. But it would not have been a vacation. It would have been work [and we all recall I work with special needs kids for a living, right? Right.]

I just. Augh. I hated making that phonecall and I hated looking at crap today and I need to vanish from the eweb for a while. Must tell Jenni I will be MIA a few days from my already not really paying attention-ness.

sigh. fuck. Life is good, yes, but too weird for words sometimes. Ad guilt has been known to chew me up a little. I'll get over it. And I hopefully won't regret what I've done.

Today I kicked down the last resistance and joined facebook under a pseudonym [which I promptly decided to change but that won't take effect for 24 hours or some shit]. I don't know. I vaguely worry that people who shouldn't will see my facebook and flip out but, honestly, it's not like I intend to post anything ever, so. There we are.

They wanted me to add Chrystian. For those of you that are new? Chrystian Chanse was probably the first guy I ever really had a thing for. We went on and off like lights at a rave. He wrote me long e-mails that made my heart ache and made me smile and made me laugh. My mom would say he's the bad penny you can never get rid of.

It took me a long time to "get over" Chrystian. Really? I'm not...but more in the way you never get over the person you liked first. Our relationship and friendship was rocky, at best, because I was a child, too damn naive and so in love with this voice on the phone and text on a screen. 3000 miles. I took a road trip to see him once. I wore heels and a tank top and he couldn't get over it. California in the winter, dynamite comes in small packages.

He was a good kisser. He was a good lay. He was kind of amazing but for the way I worried. I doubted myself all the time because that's just how I'm wired. If I call myself out as inferior first, it won't matter when anyone else does the same. And I was so young back then, I had him on a pedestal [one he always knew I'd eventually learn to take him off of]. He taught me a lot, in general and about myself, and yeah, sometimes? I miss him. Just a little.

It's harder than you might think, cutting people out of your life. Disappearing off the face of their world. It takes conviction [re: stubbornness]. I almost want to add him. But it'd be a bad idea. I've had enough bad ideas already.

I admit defeat. I'm just going to do what I can, when and where I can. Because crushes? End in broken hearts. I'm a little sick of that. I won't even hold out for "one day"...because I've stopped caring. Steve tells me that's the most depressing thing he's ever heard-- I'm just tired of cutting people out. I'm finally making friends--I can't lose them all over again.

I'm not making sense because it's nearly 5am so I apologize. I just. I dunno. I needed to write and to cry and be angry at everything ever [including myself. Maybe especially myself].

Just like the lady in the blue dress, you've got cigarettes on your breath.

Been doing a lot of art lately, which is nice, since I just got a bunch of Tria markers [104, to be exact. Costly but worth it, and of those 104 only 9 were dried out and I consider that a win. Letraset has also contacted me and is perfectly willing to replace them which is brilliant on their part, meaning I want to do more business with both them and Carpe Diem, the store I purchased from].

The other great part? The man I've been speaking to from Letraset likes the idea of me spreading the good word about Trias to the art communities I'm in which more or less makes me a street team or unofficial spokeswoman which is really more than I could ever ask for. I don't want anything, I just like sharing great products with my friends, so it's a cool feeling. [On the same ship, The Starving Musician likes me pimping them everywhere I go too. They're fantastic guys there. Very knowledgeable, good products and they ship nationwide, for those of you not in the bay.]

So yeah. Things have been pretty awesome around here. I've been hanging out with Mike and Mina a lot and that makes me happy; they are some of the coolest people ever.

Good times over here, bbs. <3

THOM. As my resident dirty hipster friend, you must tell me:

Have you heard of a theremin and are they cool, y/n?

Blarg, I just wrote the shittiest app ever and it's never going to be approved, auuuuuuuuugh.

Why do I do things? I am headdesking right now.

I should go do other stuff and turn off the laptop before I agonize any more about this.

• Shower
• Make shorten bass string necklace [by an inch]
• Hit level 22 in Devil Survivor
• Upload some layout stuff to DA
• Buy inking markers
• Take out trash
• Practice bass
• App to Jenni's game

To do list:

• Get 'scripts filled and pick up
• Get markers for inking
• Check on markers
• Practice bass ***
• Draw?
• Outline one novel idea and begin chapter one **
• Shower
• Change Tribble's bedding/clean her cage

I don't usually post anything related to current events because--it has little to do with me in the immediate and I am, honestly, not educated enough on such topics to say a word. This, however, hits close to home and I could honestly use a hand for anyone that's willing, but ESPECIALLY THOSE THAT LIVE IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.

The following is a copy/pasted statement I got from my union:

( Protest Budget Cuts to California School Districts )

The jist for anyone not wanting to click the cut?

MONDAY, JULY 13 * 11AM – NOON PST
CALL THE GOVERNOR’S OFFICE: (916) 445-2841
(follow the language prompts & press 6)

Tell the governor you:
* Oppose devastating cuts to school transportation.
* Oppose suspension of Prop. 98 or any other cuts to education.

Education's been hit hard enough by our failing economy and, as much as I hate to sound like one of those people, it is fucking over kids today because it promotes laziness in what little staff remains [who cares about educating when you aren't making enough to live on and, chances are, if you don't have tenure you'll be canned anyway?], means using old materials which are either A. falling apart, or B. [not as likely, but it still happens] Wildly out of date when it comes to the facts.

I am not a breeder. I do not want kids of my own simply because this world is kind of a fucked up place to bring a kid into right now. I'm not that into kids in general but this will cheat them further and, come a decade or so if we're not all dead? We'll be the ones paying for screwing them now because they will have zero idea how to do for themselves.

Augh. Sorry for the soapboxing, guys. This is just a little close to home. Do what you can, if you will, even if that's just crossed fingers for me and everyone else in a california education based union. Thanks.

• App for Jenni's game
• bass practice
• novel stuff
• bead working stuff from mountain view
• moar devil survivor
• another theme card
• return stuff to pet smart
• trade in stuff at gamestop

augh.

Just killed my hands from bass practice. On the bright side, I've memorized almost all of C diatonic arpeggio, and I have most of the finger patterns rattling around in my brain...somewhere.

My fingers are peeling lately. I need moar calluses. Really.

Found some Armor For Sleep tab online so I'm a little in love with that, but it's all fucking drop D tuned which is a bitch because I am still dumb and can't tune my effin bass by ear. This bothers me like you have no idea. Augh.

I should practice more but I don't even know how long I was just practicing for. ...Apparently for like a half hour. That's good. Maybe I'll do more later, if i feel like it. Still need to beat Devil Survivor, so, and write something ffs on any one of my dumb novel ideas. I'm still flip flopping on what I want to tackle first, Addison, Eddie, Charlie, or Holden. Sigh. And yes, all my chicks have dude names, stfu.

I kind of want to work on Addison's story but it's like...a romance and asfdghjkj I have no fuckin' clue how to write one of those. Stories with romance ELEMENTS? A++, I can do that. Pure romance story that is character driven? FFFFFFFFFF. Which means I either work on Eddie or Holden, though Holden presents her own unique set of problems.

Sigh. I suck at committing to anything ever.

Summary: Tokyo's police force has been privatized. Serial killers have evolved/mutated into killing machines called Engineers, turning wounds inflicted upon them into deadly weapons. This is the story of Ruka, a police officer and so-called Engineer killer.

See it if you want: Lots of gore, kind of hot japanese chicks bathed in blood, fetish gear scenes, no really--fucktons of gore, chicks with teeth where they should not have teeth, blood geysers, laughable amounts of "...what?"

Overall rating: 2.5/3 out of 5 [the three is if you don't expect shit like this to be serious because...it really isn't.]

Critique: The film itself presents many interesting concepts, what with the privatization of the police force and the introduction of super serial killer Engineers. The outfits and overall design elements are really spot on--I was enthralled by it and at times it reminded me of Silent Hill in some very good ways!

The real downfall was the ridiculous amounts of blood when, to begin with, the movie was trying to take itself too seriously. It kind of fell like a house of cards towards the end, collapsing inward with only the promise of "more gore to come!" Just. What? Japan. What?

I liked the movie but it was a little on the silly side. My only other warning? Some of the gore scenes can get stomach turning [dunno who is turned off by what but bugs just cross some eternal line for me. Can't stand that shit.] And a lot of nudity. Not too bad, but definitely reinstates the "crazy was born in Japan" theory.

So I got a guinea pig. Her name is Tribble, because I am a huge fuckin' nerd. She likes curling up under my chin while I watch tv.

( Tribble Pix )
:3

In unrelated news! I started playing Devil Survivor and i don't hate the system as much as I thought I would after reading the directions. I'm still a little meh on the auction system but thats just because I think two of the initial five demons you can contract suck balls [Ogre and Kobold, I'm looking at you.]

ALSO. I have a huge star trek sticker on my wall now and it is awesome. It kind of cracked me up when I got dressed this morning because Kirk is kind of leering, Spock looks shocked, as does Sulu, and just. Lulz. My room is such a mess of things right now, jeez.

On the bright side, I'm cleaning so I can get a table in here to put Tribble on. Her cage is kind of fucking huge.

I need to call someone this week about getting rid of my cello, too. :( It's just taking up too much space and I'm pretty into bass so. May as well try and get some money for it while I know they don't have any at starving musician.

Gotta finish cleaning though. For Tribble and so people can come over. :x

I am the happiest I've been in a very long time. I'd forgotten for so long what it was like to hang out with people who just...were nice. Sarcastic, blunt, mean, but funny, whatever...but not outright mean. Not trying to piss me off because they can. It's so different, and I know it sounds silly, but...it's good. It's so fucking good, to be honest.

I haven't been getting to sleep because I've been talking to people, because I've been hanging out with people. I could really get used to this.

I'm getting things together and it's a nice feeling. I still have shit to work out, but I'll do it. I want to be a me that not only other people like? But that I like too.

Gotta get to mission, pick up a class. Gotta drive around some more and take my test. Gotta practice my bass more. Gotta start one of my novel ideas [I think I've finally settled. I'm going to write about Addison first because it's plot is simple and it's very character driven. I can do. I'm gonna do it.]

I'm looking forward to hanging out more with people, both for art and for bass, and for just because. Mina and Mike have made me kind of the happiest person this week.

I can do it. I can do.

And I'm smiling.